I've been very busy recently. With school (design&technology) and rather busy thinking about my life after school, yea it's everyday. I cried for hours yesterday before i slept, how much more could I hate my life, how much longer must i tolerate in order to leave home, how many more times must i swallow the pain and not make any noise about it? I don't feel good telling anyone besides, I've no one to pour all my troubles to now. I think that I'm counted as a very lucky girl compared to others - being positive, that i have a very loving, caring, and a rather understanding mother, a very strict, naughty, irritating and a rather playful daddy, 5 good siblings and my smart precious little bubbles (my dog) god gave me even though we quarrel a lot. Haha. It sounds like the happy family I wanted. My parents were separated when i was at a very young age. My mother brought me with her when she left dad, only me. The first time i saw my twin sister was at age 7, i didn't even know that she was my twin sister at first, we just smiled and laughed at each other. I was a rather independent girl from the the age of 7 to 9 years old, I will wake up myself, went to school to and from by the school bus myself, nobody would be at home when i reached home, my mother always leave $5-$10 for me for my lunch on the table under the telephone. I can't deny that i was a good girl then, I'll do my homework while waiting for my mother to come home which was around 7pm. Then at age 9, I was sent to stay with my daddy and my siblings due to school issues. I remembered clearly that my mother sent me there with a luggage, and 2 big bags of clothes and school books she sent me up and left, I didn't feel sad at all. The moment i stepped into that house, everything changed from there. The environment, the rules, the way they talk, they way me and my siblings go to school together all this and all that. I've a step mom and a step brother. I remembered dad and stepmother treated me ultimately nice for the first few months. Every one or two week we will go to the swimming complex together and I'll go to my mother's house every weekend to stay for 2 days. Without fail, I'll always cry when I was going back to my father's house telling her that I wanted to stay with her, I saw my mother's tearing once and i told myself that I will not cry again. But the only way to not cry was to control, I did control but it hurt me deeply inside. My aunt told me to eat a sweet whenever I felt like crying, but I feel more pain each time when i pop the sweet into my mouth, if I'm able to control then it is effective but I'll just burst into tears when if I couldn't control. And as years past, many things happened, I've gone bad, I started smoking, taking pills, using vulgarities, no longer the good girl Geraldine anymore, dad's attitude changed, my sisters, my life, my thinking, basically everything. I felt so unloved. Why must daddy and mummy separate? Why was i even born in this family? Why are my siblings so selfish, so irritating? There were many times when my sisters and I quarrel and they would just ask me to go back to my mother's house. Am I one of them? I am. Why are they asking me to get back to my mother's house? I want to go back there badly, a lot. But i can't! I won't be so thick skinned to be somewhere where people don't want me to be. I kept them to myself, I cried, I get frustrated, I felt like leaving house to live with my mother. She gives me mostly everything I want and I have everything I want. The love between this family are just so limited. It is. I feel more love with my mother but it doesn't mean that I don't love my mother. I really don't wanna cry anymore, I know it won't happen.

Anyway, I went to school with a swollen big eye this morning but it got better after a few hours. Talking about today, I am really disappointed in him cuz he just end it this way with no explaination. What a guy. He has got someone new now, and he didn't even care to notice that he was a liar who changed his heart quickly. HA ha ha. I need a good laugh. I'm starting to doubt everything that he said, they are all bull shit now. Since it meant nothing to him then it shall be nothing to me. I'll not curse him but god I beg you, please teach him how to be true. Sincerly from the bottom of my heart.

I am meeting Jeremy in 15 minutes, so annoying! *.